


Queer Eye (Sandor Clegane edition)

by swimmingfox



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV), Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF
Genre: Age appropriate wardrobes, And a Game of Thrones fan, Dates, Dogs, F/M, Fab 5, Fab Five, Hair, Haircuts, Interior Design, M/M, Queer Eye sort out Sandor, The fandom-clash you never knew you needed, Yas kween, general hilarity, jonathan is the greatest, lemoncakes, male grooming, pop colour, queer eye, sansan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-09 12:06:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15267156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swimmingfox/pseuds/swimmingfox
Summary: The Fab 5 hit LONDON TOWN to meet Sandor Clegane, a grumpy, six foot seven office worker who has been nominated by his co-worker, Sansa.HILARITY ENSUES.





	1. INTRO

**Author's Note:**

  * For [junojelli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/junojelli/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently watched all of Queer Eye. I mean, what did you think was going to happen?
> 
> PS In this, Sandor is 35 and Sansa is 24. Woo hoo!

** INT. FAB 5 CAR, LONDON - DAY **

_The Fab 5 are in the car in a rainy London traffic jam. Karamo is driving. He is wearing a glittery green bomber jacket. Antoni is in the front passenger seat, wearing a T-shirt saying ‘LONDON BOYS’ on it and Tan, Jonathan and Bobby are in the back. The three of them look sensational._

JONATHAN:

Oh my god, London! _(swishes hair fabulously)_ Yaaaay.

 

BOBBY:

There is a lot of rain here.

 

ANTONI:

_(sincerely)_

A _lot_ of rain.

 

KARAMO:

This is London, y’all, this is how it goes down! I love this town.

 

TAN:

Welcome to my country, boys. _(smoothly, sweetly)_ I’m so excited to have you guys here. It’s going to be so cool.

 

JONATHAN:

At least in traffic, we can get a better look at the guys. _(waves outside)_ Heyyy, London man, you are adorable! Yes, YOU!

 

BOBBY:

OK, so who are we meeting this week?

 

ANTONI:

_(consulting iPad)_

So we are off to South London to meet Sandor Clegane. Sandor has been nominated by his co-worker Sansa. He is six foot seven –

 

KARAMO:

Wait, wait, hold up – six foot _seven_?

 

ANTONI:

That’s what it says here.

 

TAN:

Wow.

 

ANTONI:

Six foot seven and he weighs 260 pounds.

 

 _The Fab 5 collectively make impressed, horny, sighing noises._  

JONATHAN:

He’s a great big giant man!

 

ANTONI:

I have a picture.

 

 _Antoni passes back the iPad. Tan, Jonathan and Bobby make impressed, horny, sighing noises._

 

TAN:

_(sweetly, sensitively)_

Wait, what’s that going on with his face?

 

ANTONI:

_(takes back the iPad)_

OK, so he had an accident as a kid and it really damaged the skin on one side of his face. 

_The Fab 5 croon sympathetically._

TAN:

That’s terrible. 

_BOBBY nods earnestly, looking out of the window._

ANTONI:

So Sansa, his co-worker, thinks he’s always had a big hang-up about it.

 

** INT. GLASS-WALLED OFFICE – DAY **

_SANSA is seated at a table in work clothes. She is wearing a pussy-bow blouse and looks exceedingly cute._

SANSA:

I don’t know exactly what happened to him when he was little, but I know it messed him up a bit. I can tell he hates people looking at him and he keeps his hair pretty long. He sort of snaps at people a lot. He’s a really good guy but he can be quite mean sometimes. _(blushes)_

** INT. FAB 5 CAR, LONDON - DAY **

JONATHAN:

Oh my god, honey, pass that boy over to me. Sandor Clegane and I are going to have a big heart-to-heart and Mommy is going to make it all better. I am going to smoosh that man into happiness.

 

KARAMO:

If you can’t do it, no one can.

 

ANTONI:

So Sandor lives on his own in a studio basement apartment with his dog.

 

BOBBY:

OK, that sounds a little small for this guy.

 

ANTONI:

He works for a city law firm and he hates his boss.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S STUDIO FLAT – DAY: **

_SANDOR is wearing a black hoodie. He has long hair and a substantial beard. It is very dark in his flat._

SANDOR:

_(crossing arms)_

My boss is a c***. _(shakes head)_ I’ve been there too long.

 

** INT. FAB 5 CAR, LONDON - DAY **

ANTONI:

He never cooks, he just eats microwaved meals. Oh, that’s not good.

He’s a grown man, he needs to be able to cook for himself. _(sincerely)_ Nutrition is important.

 

TAN:

Amen.

 

ANTONI:

He works out.

 

KARAMO:

_(surprised)_

OK, that’s good.

 

JONATHAN:

I cannot wait to meet this man.

 

ANTONI:

Sansa believes he just needs a bit of care and attention to be a better man. 

 _The Fab 5 collectively ‘awww.’_  

TAN:

Well, she sounds very sweet. 

** INT. GLASS-WALLED OFFICE – DAY: **

SANSA:

I guess he’s had some bad times in his life, and I think maybe he’s in a bit of a rut. I want the Fab 5 to show Sandor that he is already a good man, and to give him a bit of confidence in his everyday life. And maybe a haircut. _(blushes)_

 

** INT. SANDOR’S STUDIO FLAT – DAY: **

SANDOR:

_(arms crossed)_

I don’t know exactly why I’m doing this. But (sighs), you know, whatever. My life can’t be any more shite than it already is.

 

** INT. FAB 5 CAR, LONDON – DAY: **

ANTONI:

So our mission is to put the ‘sun’ into Sandor! 

 _The Fab 5 give a sweet bro-cheer._  

JONATHAN:

_(clapping)_

Yaaaaaay. 

** ROLL OPENING CREDITS. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	2. Day One

** EXT. TOOTING/STREATHAM BORDERS, SOUTH LONDON – DAY: **

_The Fab 5-mobile draws up outside a row of houses._

JONATHAN:

Oh, it’s so _cute_. It’s like being in Sherlock or Downtown Abbey.

 

TAN:

It’s just a normal suburban street. It’s nothing like Downtown Abbey.

 

JONATHAN:

I am going to live my Downtown dream and I don’t care what you say!

 _(in dodgy English accent)_ Welcome to Tooting, South London.

Do come in and have a cup of tea.

 

TAN:

_(sweetly, looking out of the window)_

Your accent sounds even more ridiculous now that we’re in the UK.

 

ANTONI:

Is this it? Number seven. That’s the one. Let’s do this.

 

KARAMO:

Alriiight.

 

_KARAMO parks up. The Fab 5 leap out and take the steps to the basement studio flat._

 

BOBBY:

It’s a big house.

 

KARAMO:

I think it’s just this downstairs bit, though.

_He knocks. There’s no answer._

TAN:

_(shouts, sweetly)_

Sandor Clegane!

 

 _The Fab 5 all start shouting his name and KARAMO pounds on the door._  

KARAMO:

There’s no escaping, man. We know you’re there!

 

_There’s the sound of a dog barking._

TAN:

_(scurrying to the back of the group)_

Oh god, I forgot about the dog.

 

BOBBY:

Your and your dog-phobia.

 

TAN:

Give me a break. He sounds massive.

 

_The door opens and SANDOR, clad in the same black hoodie, peers out. He looks dishevelled and knackered. A large black dog barges out, barking loudly, making TAN hide in the car, and there is a kerfuffle while SANDOR takes the dog out to the back. The Fab 5 greet him with boundless enthusiasm and pile into the studio flat. It is very small and dark. The curtains are closed and there are plates and mess everywhere. The quintet generally talk over each other and make loud exclamations about SANDOR and the tiny flat._

 

KARAMO:

Did we wake you?

 

SANDOR:

_(looking at them all sceptically and with extreme wariness)_

Aye, maybe.

 

KARAMO:

Well, you’re awake now! Hey man, great to meet you _._

_(goes to hug him and SANDOR stands very awkwardly)_

 

JONATHAN:

_(stroking SANDOR’s face)_

Oh my god, look at you.

 

SANDOR:

_(trying to move away)_

Jesus.

 

JONATHAN:

_(still stroking)_

You’re like a big beautiful yeti. I _love_.

 

TAN:

Wow, you are so tall. I’m like a tiny mouse compared to you!

 

 _SANDOR looks nonplussed._  

BOBBY:

So this apartment is tiny.

 

SANDOR:

_(rubbing his head, scowling)_

London’s expensive.

 

BOBBY:

But you can do a lot with the space. I mean, you have to admit this place is a mess. And not a hot mess, just a mess.

 

SANDOR:

I guess.

 

ANTONI:

What do ladies say when they come over?

 

SANDOR:

_(looks alarmed)_

What ladies?

 

KARAMO:

Do you ever bring ladies over here?

 

SANDOR:

No.

 

KARAMO:

Do you want to bring ladies over here?

 

SANDOR:

_(slight pause)_

No.

 

KARAMO:

_(laughing genially, patting SANDOR on the back)_

OK man, I can see we’ve got some honesty issues here.

That’s OK, we can work on that.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BEDROOM – DAY: **

_The room is equally dark and equally tiny. There are clothes all over the floor. The bed is unmade._

 

ANTONI:

Oh, no. This is not good.

 

TAN:

_(beatifically appalled)_

What is going on in here?

 

SANDOR:

It’s just where I sleep. It doesn’t matter what it looks like.

 

TAN:

_(laughing politely)_

I beg to differ. You need positive spaces to make you feel positive inside.

 

ANTONI:

And trust me, no woman is ever going to want to set foot in here.

I know it, and I’m gay.

 

TAN:

_(opening a wardrobe door)_

So talk me through your wardrobe.

 

SANDOR:

It’s all pretty obvious.

 

TAN:

I’m seeing black shirts, black ties, black trousers.

 

SANDOR:

For work. 

_JONATHAN enters._

ANTONI:

So you work in security, right? 

 _JONATHAN begins putting on one of Sandor’s shirts._  

SANDOR:

Aye.

 

ANTONI:

OK, so you need to look imposing.

 

SANDOR:

Aye.

 

TAN

That’s fine, I get that. Well, we don’t need to mess with your work look, but -

 

JONATHAN:

This is literally like a beautiful voluminous shirt-dress on me.

_(poses, pouts)_

 

TAN:

_(bringing out a gold cape, delighted)_

What is this?

 

ANTONI:

Oh wow.

 

SANDOR:

Nothing. Some stupid fancy dress.

 

TAN:

Did you buy this?

 

SANDOR:

Someone in the office got it.

 

ANTONI:

Would that be Sansa, your co-worker?

 

SANDOR:

_(faint blush)_

Aye.

 

_ANTONI has brought out a large plastic sword from the bottom of the wardrobe._

 

TAN:

_(putting cape on)_

So you’ve got a fun side, I can see that. That’s lovely. What about casual wear?

 

SANDOR:

Just this sort of stuff _. (gestures downwards)_

 

TAN:

_(sweetly)_

That’s for the gym. Not for outside the gym.

 

SANDOR:

I don’t care what I look like.

 

_ANTONI prods at JONATHAN with the plastic sword and JONATHAN squeals and runs out of the room in SANDOR’s shirt._

 

TAN:

_(unruffled)_

We can do better than that.

 

SANDOR:

Buying clothes my size is a f***ing nightmare anyway.

 

TAN:

You’re a big guy, there’s no doubt about it, but that is no problem at all.

You’re in one of the world’s best shopping cities.

 _(smiling)_ Don’t look so worried. It’s going to be fun!

 

_SANDOR looks very worried._

** INT. SANDOR’S YARD - DAY: **

_BOBBY is standing out in the small yard next to SANDOR. It’s a grubby, partly-paved space, with lots of weeds growing between the cracks. The large dog is currently sitting alertly next to SANDOR’s ankles._

BOBBY:

So this is just your space? You don’t share it?

 

SANDOR:

Aye. It’s just for the basement flat.

 

BOBBY:

Do you use it much?

 

SANDOR:

_(shrugs)_

Just to let the dog out.

 

BOBBY:

Well, to me it seems like a wasted space – your apartment is on the small side for a guy your size,

and I think you could really make use of this area to give you a bit more room. Room to stretch those legs, chill out, be yourself.

 

SANDOR:

The weather’s not always that great.

 

BOBBY:

That’s true, we’re not in Atlanta now, but even so – I think we could, maybe

with a sheltered area. Are you any good with your hands? With DIY?

 

SANDOR:

_(shrugs)_

I guess I could be.

 

BOBBY:

_(nodding as he measures everything up with his eyes)_

Awesome. OK. And we can make it into a place

that you could bring back friends, or maybe a lady.

 

_SANDOR shifts uncomfortably._

** INT. FAB 5 LOFT – DAY: **

BOBBY:

_(to camera, openly, happily)_

Did you see that body language? I can guarantee that he has a lady

he would like to bring back. I would bet my last dollar on it.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S YARD - DAY: **

BOBBY:

So I hear you’re not really enjoying your job.

 

SANDOR:

Christ, no.

 

BOBBY:

Boss?

 

SANDOR:

The boy’s a prize twat.

 

BOBBY:

So why are you still there?

 

_SANDOR goes to say something before clamping his jaw shut. He crosses his arms and shrugs._

 

BOBBY:

Is there something you’d prefer to be doing? Maybe something that would get

you out of this little space and into somewhere bigger, eventually?

 

SANDOR:

_(shakes his head pessimistically)_

I don’t know. My own business, maybe.

 

BOBBY:

Fantastic, in what?

 

SANDOR:

_(looking embarrassed and like he’d rather be dead)_

Wine. My dad used to do it.

There’s more scope to do it in this country these days.

 

BOBBY:

Well, speaking as someone who started their own interior design business,

I can tell you it’s hard, but there’s nothing more satisfying than being your own boss.

_SANDOR nods, unconvinced._

BOBBY:

We can talk about it.

 

JONATHAN:

_(from inside the house, in pleading voice)_

Bobby! Where have you gone with my big grouchy bear?

 

SANDOR:

_(not quite under breath)_

Jesus Christ.

** INT. SANDOR’S BATHROOM: **

_JONATHAN is sitting on the side of the bath. SANDOR is standing up, arms folded, looking wary and terrified. The bathroom is tiny._

JONATHAN:

So talk me through the hair.

 

SANDOR:

_(looking exhausted)_

What do you mean?

 

JONATHAN:

_(moves his palm in a wide circle in front of Sandor’s face and neck)_

This, honey. This hair attack going on here.

 

SANDOR:

_(looking incredibly uncomfortable)_

It’s just what it is.

 

JONATHAN:

_(cocks head)_

OK, so how long have you had it like this?

 

SANDOR:

Since I was twenty.

 

JONATHAN:

_(musically)_

OK, sure, mmm-hmm. And the beard?

 

SANDOR:

It comes and goes.

 

JONATHAN:

But it’s covering up your beautiful face.

_(puts out his bottom lip)_

 

SANDOR:

_(sighs heavily, with a dark, agonised self-hating laugh)_

Aye, and why do you f***ing think?

 

JONATHAN:

_(unfazed, standing up next to SANDOR and making him look in the mirror, speaking with fantastically expressive belief)_

So I can see you’ve got some scarring over here, and the beard’s partly covering it up, but you know,

in a way it draws attention to it further, because it’s a little patchy.

_(scrunches a hand in SANDOR’s hair. SANDOR flinches)_

Easy, tiger. It’s just Mommy. I would love to know what you look like underneath all this.

Sleeping Beauty is hiding in there somewhere. We don’t have to cut all of it, but we are going to do a little deforestation.

You are going to look super-handsome, like a beautiful big daddy-bear.

 

SANDOR:

_(taking a massive breath)_

Jesus Christ.

 

JONATHAN:

_(pointing at himself in a marvellously flamboyant pose)_

Don’t I know it!

_(puts hands together in prayer)_

 

_SANDOR takes another massive breath._

 

 ** INT. SANDOR’s KITCHEN AREA – DAY: **

ANTONI:

 _(opening cupboards)_ _  
_ So I’m not seeing much in the way of kitchenware here. 

_SANDOR crosses his arms._

ANTONI:

_(looks in fridge)_

And not much in the way of actual food. What do you eat?

 

SANDOR:

Whatever. Takeaways.

 

ANTONI:

And microwaved meals? 

_SANDOR shrugs._

ANTONI:

_(looking in cupboard)_

And protein shakes. You know, these are horrible.

 

SANDOR:

They fill a hole.

 

ANTONI:

_(in blissful lecturer mode)_

But food should be about more than that. Meals should be full of colour and texture,

food that you want to eat, that you take pleasure in preparing.

 

SANDOR:

There’s not much room for bloody blenders and shite.

 

ANTONI:

_(sincerely)_

There’s always room for a blender. I will make the room for a blender.

I'm going to show you how to make some better breakfast shakes, and

maybe a simple two-course meal, great ingredients, something that’s easy to prepare.

 

SANDOR:

_(sighs heavily)_

OK.

 

ANTONI:

Atta boy.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LIVING AREA - DAY: **

_KARAMO is stroking the huge, black dog and looking utterly at ease. SANDOR sits as far apart as he can at the other end of the sofa with his arms crossed._

 

KARAMO:

So between you and this guy, you’re pretty imposing.

 

_SANDOR shrugs._

KARAMO:

Is that important to you?

 

SANDOR:

It’s the job.

 

KARAMO:

Sure, but how about with work colleagues, or outside the office?

_SANDOR looks uncertain._

KARAMO:

I hear that you can sometimes be a bit aggressive. I think people can be a little frightened of you.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m not one of them, I can see that you’re a cool guy, you’re letting us into your place,

you’ve been welcoming, but I got the impression that you can take some things that are happening in here

 _(places hand on chest)_ and in here _(taps temple)_ out on other people.

 

_SANDOR gives a confused shrug and a noisy sigh._

KARAMO:

I couldn’t help noticing that you didn’t really want to be hugged back there.

 

SANDOR:

I don’t do hugs.

 

KARAMO:

And why is that?

 

SANDOR:

I’m a grown man.

 

KARAMO:

Even grown men need hugs once in a while.

 

SANDOR:

Not me.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO: **

KARAMO:

_(to camera, with confidence and authority)_

My _god_ , this guy has hang-ups. Intimacy issues coming out of every pore.

And he was not opening up to me _._

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LIVING AREA - DAY: **

KARAMO:

So I understand that you got your scarring in an accident when you were young.

 

SANDOR:

_(noisy sigh)_

I don’t talk about it.

 

KARAMO:

I think maybe you could talk about it.

 

 _SANDOR gives a_ _noisy sigh and stonily gazes at opposite wall._

KARAMO:

Does it bother you, people looking at it? Maybe sometimes they see the scars before they see you?

 

_SANDOR looks like he might say something, but doesn’t quite._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO - DAY: **

KARAMO:

_(to camera)_

Whew. He’s a tough customer.

 _(polished, devastatingly gorgeous smile)_  I’mma gonna get there!

** INT. SANDOR’S YARD - DAY: **

_The Fab 5 are all outside. Tan is standing on a wall looking very frightened of the dog, which is being held by the collar by Sandor._ _They say goodbye, cheerfully and loudly and all at once, before exiting._ _The camera stays on SANDOR, who breathes a huge sigh._

 

SANDOR:

_(to self)_

F***ing hell.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO - DAY: **

_We see each of the Fab 5 in turn in close-up, speaking to camera._

ANTONI:

_(earnestly)_

Sandor has let himself go a little bit. He’s a grown man, he needs to start cooking like one,

looking after himself, eating well. I know he works out, but you’ve got to put good stuff in, too.

I want to see him making a few simple meals for himself and maybe even for a date. 

_ Cut to: _

KARAMO:

_(smoothly, authoratively)_

This guy has issues. I mean, serious issues. We haven’t got to the bottom of everything yet,

but I know we will. He’s got to reach deep inside and face some truths, and work out why he’s been lashing out so much. 

_ Cut to: _

BOBBY:

_(capably, cheerfully)_

He’s living in a tiny place, and that’s not good for the soul. I’m going to try and open out that yard,

make it another space for him to use, until he gets on his feet and can afford something a bit bigger. 

_ Cut to: _

TAN:

_(sweetly, beatifically)_

Sandor’s really well-built but he’s been slopping around in gym gear for far too long.

I can’t wait to put him in a proper suit that fits him, and some nice smart-casual clothes,

and try and find a bit of personality in there. He’s going to look great.

 _Cut to:_  

JONATHAN:

_(with a vast range of expression)_

O.M.G., Sandor Clegane is like a big beautiful bear who’s been hibernating for years

and just needs to be brought out into summer. We are his summer queens!

I am going to make him less grizzly, more teddy, but still All. Bear.

_(growls at camera and makes his hands into claws)_

** CUE FAB 5 B/W DANCING INSERT **


	3. Day Two

 

  **EXT. BOND STREET , LONDON – DAY:**

_TAN is walking down the street with SANDOR. TAN is in a delightful jungle-print twinset. SANDOR is wearing ill-fitting black jeans and a big, faded black T-shirt._

TAN:

So first of all we are going to look at some casual clothes,

everyday wear for outside of the work environment.

 

** INT. BOND STREET MENSWEAR STORE – DAY: **

_TAN is showing SANDOR a rack of shirts._

TAN:

So outside of work, I’d like you to think about some shirts with some colour.

( _TAN shows SANDOR variously-coloured shirts with subtle prints.)_

But even T-shirts can be dressy. What do you think about these?

_(he shows SANDOR a rack of bright-printed T-shirts)._

 

SANDOR:

They’re really f***ing flouncy.

 

TAN:

_(serenely unoffended)_

There is nothing wrong with a print! But it’s fine

if you want to take it down a notch, make it more subtle.

 

CUT TO: CHANGING ROOM:

_TAN is waiting outside a booth._

TAN:

How’s it going in there?

 

_SANDOR comes out in a very nicely-fitted pair of trousers and a navy blue shirt with small grey and yellow details. He looks really lovely._

TAN:

Oh, wow. You look incredible! How do you feel?

 

SANDOR:

_(looking warily into the mirror)_

OK, I guess.

 

TAN:

Come on, you have to give me more than that.

_(steps up and rolls SANDOR’s shirt-sleeves up)_

You can roll these up if you want it to be more casual, and you can pop a T-shirt underneath.

It’s age-appropriate, it’s stylish, it’s smart but also fun.

 

 _SANDOR heaves in a huge breath._

TAN:

Why do you think your co-worker Sansa nominated you for this?

 

SANDOR:

_(crosses arms)_

Beats me.

 

TAN:

_(sweetly)_

Well, maybe she’s one person who’d like to see you brush up a bit.

 

SANDOR:

That’s pretty un-f***ing-likely.

 

TAN:

_(smiles beatifically, unruffled)_

OK, well, we’ll see. Let’s try on some more!

** INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY: **

_KARAMO enters and greets SANSA, a gorgeous redhead wearing tailored trousers and a cute T-shirt saying 'Mx' on it. KARAMO is wearing a gold glittery jacket and looks, as usual, divine._

KARAMO:

Look at you! You are gorgeous!

 

SANSA:

_(sweetly embarrassed)_

Thank you! I love your jacket.

 

KARAMO:

I wanna see it on you. You will rock this look.

 

_KARAMO takes it off and SANSA puts it on and does a pose. KARAMO makes unforced complimentary exclamations._

CUT TO:

_KARAMO and SANSA are sitting down at a table with coffees and cake. SANSA is eating a lemon meringue pie and KARAMO is eating a strawberry cheesecake. SANSA is still wearing KARAMO’s jacket._

 

KARAMO:

_(warmly, confidingly)_

So how long have you been working with Sandor?

 

SANSA:

Um, about three years.

 

KARAMO:

And you guys are friends?

 

SANSA:

_(looks at plate)_

Um, sort of. I’d like to be, but he puts up such a front.

He can be a bit hard to get close to.

 

KARAMO:

_(smoothly, completely genuine)_

Would you _like_ to get close to him?

 

_SANSA looks at her plate again and darts her eyes up to KARAMO guiltily, with a faint blush._

 

KARAMO:

_(charmingly)_

I’m taking that as a yes.

 

_SANSA cannot help giving a tiny, coy grin._

KARAMO:

_(moving on effortlessly)_

I’m getting the impression that your boss is not the greatest.

 

SANSA:

He is a total dick. _(looks up)_ Am I allowed to say that?

 

KARAMO:

_(holds up his hand for a high-five)_

Hell yes, you are, girl. Gimme some skin.

 

_SANSA high-fives him and grins again._

 

** INT. BOND STREET TAILOR’S – DAY: **

_SANDOR is standing stiffly in the middle of the very up-market tailor’s next to a perfectly-suited bald-headed man. JONATHAN has joined them, and is sporting an incredible loose-wool jumper and shorts._

TAN:

Now I know this is not the sort of place you would normally shop, but I wanted

to take you somewhere special to get you kitted out in a suit.

 

JONATHAN:

_(putting his hands together)_

I am _so_ excited.

 

TAN:

So we’re not looking for a suit for work, but for other occasions.

 

SANDOR:

What other occasions?

 

TAN:

You never know! Dinners, dates, weddings.

 

JONATHAN:

Yas queen!

 

SANDOR

_(putting his chin to his chest)_

OK.

 

TAN:

This is Varys, and what he doesn’t know about

suit-fitting isn’t worth knowing. He is the master!

 

_VARYS gives a low bow._

TAN:

So we’ve already got some fabrics to have a look at.

_(walks SANDOR to a table, and picks up a swatch)_

I really like this tweed – it makes me think of your Scottish heritage.

 

JONATHAN:

I _love_ your accent. It’s like whisky and kilts

and _(in dodgy Scottish accent)_ heatherrrrrr.

_(gives generously dramatic shiver)_

 

TAN:

That’s terrible.

 

JONATHAN:

I have watched two episodes of Outlander, girl! I know what I am doing!

 

TAN:

_(moving on gracefully, addressing SANDOR)_

What I love about a suit is that you can show loads of personality in really small touches. The pockets,

handkerchief, the lining. I can’t help noticing you like a bit of gold what with having kept that cape in your closet – 

_(SANDOR gives a faint blush)_

\- so what do you think about a deep burnished gold lining?

 

SANDOR:

_(shrugs)_

I still have no f***ing clue when I’m going to wear this.

 

TAN:

_(with saintliness)_

Every man should have one beautifully-fitting suit in their wardrobe,

and I promise you, it’s going to make you feel amazing.

 

JONATHAN:

And _I_ promise you, in a good suit there will be ladies running down

the street to jump your bones, and I will be one of them.

 

_SANDOR looks at the ceiling._

 

** EXT. SANDOR’s YARD – DAY: **

_BOBBY and SANDOR are standing in the yard with two other helpers. BOBBY is holding some planks of wood._

BOBBY:

So we’re going to be helping these guys make a decking area today.

 

SANDOR:

OK.

 

BOBBY:

How are you at sawing?

 

SANDOR:

_(clearly relieved at being asked to do something not cringe-worthy)_

I can do it.

 

BOBBY:

I’m liking this positivity.

 

SANDOR:

It won’t last long.

 

BOBBY

_(laughing)_

You’re a trip.

 

CUT TO:

_Montage of BOBBY and SANDOR sawing at wood, BOBBY measuring things and chatting to his helpers, BOBBY fixing big safety goggles on SANDOR’s head, SANDOR doing some lathing._

CUT TO:

_SANDOR is looking sweaty and covered in flakes of wood. Some wooden decking is laid._

BOBBY:

Alright. It’s getting there. How does it feel to be working

on something practical for yourself?

 

SANDOR:

It feels fine.

 

BOBBY:

Just fine?

 

SANDOR:

Fine. Good.

 

BOBBY:

I’ll take that!

 

** EXT. BOROUGH MARKET – DAY: **

_ANTONI and SANDOR are strolling through the market. ANTONI is wearing a Talking Heads T-shirt and the faintest smudge of eyeliner and looks glorious._

ANTONI:

_(as if he owns the market)_

So what I love about these sorts of places is the quality of the ingredients.

 

SANDOR:

It’s f***ing expensive.

 

ANTONI:

_(with handsome sincerity as he expertly handles an avocado)_

Sure, you don’t have to get all your shopping list here. But choosing a few really good quality ingredients, maybe a cheese, some herbs, some great cuts of meat. Have you ever cooked a meal for a woman?

 

SANDOR:

_(looking alarmed)_

No.

 

ANTONI:

Come on man, what are you doing? The way to a woman’s heart

is through her stomach. And to a man’s heart.

 

SANDOR:

No one would want to come round.

 

ANTONI:

Have you ever asked anyone round?

 

SANDOR:

_(medium-sized pause)_

No.

 

ANTONI:

Is there anyone you would like to ask round?

Maybe we can cook for her.

 

SANDOR:

_(extremely long pause, hard glare at an aged stilton cheese)_

I can’t think of anyone.

 

ANTONI:

I’m going to shop for two, just in case.

 

** EXT. PECKHAM STREET, SOUTH LONDON – DAY: **

_KARAMO and SANDOR are walking down a rough and ready backstreet in Peckham. There are small shops under the railways arches, and they enter one of them._

** INT. PECKHAM BOXING CLUB – DAY: **

_KARAMO is now in ravishing sportswear. SANDOR is wearing rather long shorts and an over-sized black T-shirt._

KARAMO:

Alright man, so I know you like to work out, but am I right in thinking you haven’t boxed before?

 

SANDOR:

Aye.

 

KARAMO:

Ready to give it a go?

 

SANDOR:

Sure.

 

_They are introduced to a trainer who holds a punch bag. SANDOR gives it some impressive wallops._

 

KARAMO:

OK, now I want you to do something for me.

_(SANDOR looks at him)_

I want you to use that punchbag to visualise someone you do not like.

_(SANDOR eyes the punchbag, and whacks it)_

Lemme ask you: who were you just thinking about?

 

SANDOR:

_(small pause)_

My boss.

 

KARAMO:

OK, humour me here. I want to say something as you go for that bag. Now it’s best we don’t

actually name names. Can you think of something you can call him?

 

SANDOR:

He calls himself ‘the king.’

 

KARAMO:

Really?

 

SANDOR:

Aye.

 

KARAMO:

Wow. That’s arrogant. OK, so this time, when you punch,

I want you to say ‘f*** the king.’

_(SANDOR looks at him. KARAMO is broadly amused)_

Come on man, I want to hear you say it.

 

SANDOR:

_(punches the punchbag)_

F*** the king.

 

KARAMO:

Louder, man! Let me hear you yell!

 

SANDOR:

_(punches the punchbag)_

F*** the king.

_(punches the punchbag)_

F*** the king.

_(punches the punchbag harder, shouts louder)_

F*** the king!

 

_KARAMO whoops._

SANDOR:

_(keeps punching)_

F*** the f***ing king, and f*** my dad, and f*** my brother.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

KARAMO

_(close-up, to camera, holds his finger up, as if proving a point)_

Oh. There we are.

_(gives an assured cock of the head)_

I have my ways.

_(a flash of a grin)_

** INT. FAB 5-MOBILE, DAY: **

_KARAMO is driving. SANDOR is in the passenger seat. They are stuck in traffic._

KARAMO:

So you’re angry at your brother.

 

SANDOR:

Aye.

 

KARAMO:

And your dad?

 

SANDOR:

Aye.

 

KARAMO:

I’m thinking that maybe it goes back to your childhood?

 

SANDOR:

_(looks out of the window)_

My brother threw me in a campfire and my dad covered it up.

 

KARAMO:

Wow. Man. I’m so sorry to hear that.

Your family should always have your back.

 

SANDOR:

Not mine.

 

KARAMO:

Well, I’ve got to tell you, something we say a lot on this show is that you can make your own family.

Family doesn’t have to be blood ties. If that doesn’t work out for you, then you find the people who do have your back.

I’ve got different families – my kids, and these crazy guys.

 

_SANDOR nods as he looks out of the window._

KARAMO:

Do you still see your brother?

 

SANDOR:

Sometimes.

 

KARAMO:

Well, I don’t know, there’s a lot to be said for forgiveness, but I’m also a believer in cutting the negative energy out of your life.

I think you need to build up your own family. And stay away from your brother for a while.

And work out a way to get out of that job you hate so much.

 

SANDOR:

_(exceptionally long pause as he stares out of the window)_

Aye.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S GALLEY KITCHEN – DAY: **

_ANTONI and SANDOR are standing at the counter. There is a huge rainbow-coloured pile of fruit and vegetables in front of them and a gleaming new blender._

 

ANTONI:

So we are going to make the good sort of breakfast drink. No more protein shakes!

 

SANDOR:

_(sceptically)_

OK.

 

ANTONI:

Look at these colours. Aren’t they vibrant?

 

SANDOR:

I guess so.

 

ANTONI:

_(speaking as he chops)_

It’s good to have a base, kale or spinach, for lots of iron. I prefer kale – it’s a little more substantial and fibrous.

So if you could chop these up for me – rough is fine.

 

_SANDOR chops up ginger root and fennel._

ANTONI:

_(with evangelical sincerity)_

And bananas are a great fruit base. Maybe some mango.

_(he demonstrates how to peel and slice a mango)_

And now instead of all that whey protein we’re going to put in flaxseed and maca powder, which are much better for you.

And sugar-free peanut butter. So good for energy. You can vary your milk but I've gone for unsweeted almond. Now let’s do this!

 

_They whizz it up and ANTONI pours it into a glass, pops a glass straw in and tries a bit._

 

ANTONI:

Mmm. Yes, that is excellent.

_(He passes it over)_

 

SANDOR:

_(tries it)_

Aye, it’s nice.

 

ANTONI:  
You see how easy it is? A bit of chopping is going to take you two minutes, and you’re putting so much goodness into your body. So many vitamins!

_(BOBBY enters with safety goggles around his neck.)_

Bobby, come and try this.

 

BOBBY:

_(tries it and gives a truthfully orgasmic sigh)_

Oh wow. That is good.

 

ANTONI:

_(giving the glass back to SANDOR)_

I wanna hear you give me a nice orgasmic ‘mmm.’

_(smiles the smile of a Renaissance saint and gives a cute shiver)_

‘Mmmmm.’

 

BOBBY:

_(encouraging him with over-the-top sigh)_

Mmmm. 

_SANDOR looks at them both._

SANDOR:

No.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_The shot is empty until JONATHAN’s head appears from below as he tosses his gorgeous brown mane over and faces the camera._

JONATHAN:

_(musically conversational)_

So everybody’s been doing their transformations with Sandor, and I think he’s coming along like a smooshy sad bear,

but I feel like in this episode my work is like, going to turn this big dark daddy around.

_(He gives an impossibly knowing, fabulous grin)_

It’s grooming time, baby!

_(he turns to the side, and gives an award-winning pout)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any formatting woes! Was trying to make this look nice on desktop computers but have just seen what it looks like on my phone - URGH. Thanks for sticking with it! I promise Sansa will appear again.
> 
> Ta ever so for all the comments! You know I love them almost as much as I love Jonathan's new heavier beard and moustache (see Instagram)!
> 
> Away until the weekend, when I shall aim to crank out the final chapters in quick succession!
> 
> PS That is basically my own smoothie recipe, by the way :)


	4. Day Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slight hiatus! I shall attempt to get them up thick and fast now!

 

** INT. FAB 5 KITCHEN, DAY: **

_ANTONI and SANDOR are standing in front of a sparklingly clean kitchen counter. The entire kitchen is mahogany and steel. ANTONI is sporting a well-tailored, short sleeved dark denim shirt and looks to die for._

ANTONI:  
OK, so today we’re going to work on making a really simple three-course meal.

 

SANDOR:

I never eat three courses.

 

ANTONI:

Well, you’re going to start! They don’t have to be big, though I’m aware we need to make enough food to fill you up, and there’s a lot of you to fill.

 

_ANTONI talks SANDOR through a starter of feta, mint, rocket and pomegranate._

ANTONI:

_(merrily sermonising)_

Clean, simple, fresh ingredients that you could pick up at a good market but also your local store. And pomegranate is a pretty sensual fruit.

 _(mildest suggestion of a raised eyebrow_ )

 

SANDOR:

_(doubtfully, missing any hint)_

OK.

 

_ANTONI shows SANDOR how to make fresh pasta with basil, garlic, and chorizo._

ANTONI:

OK, and so for the final course, something a little different. I’m going to teach you how to make these cute lemon tarts. It’s going to require a little bit more attention, but you’ll pull it off. _(begins to demonstrate)_ Lots of lemon, lots of sweetness. Do you know anyone in particular who might like these?

 

SANDOR:

_(oblivious)_

No.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_CLOSE-UP on ANTONI, who speaks to camera._

ANTONI:

_(wide, supremely handsome grin)_

He might not, but I do. A little bird might have told me a little something.

 

CUT TO:

_CLOSE-UP on KARAMO, who mimes ‘who, me?’ to camera before dancing in his seat and giving a wide, supremely handsome grin._

** INT. FAB 5 KITCHEN, DAY: **

_ANTONI puts the tarts in the oven and brings over a tray of ones he’s made earlier._

ANTONI:

OK, have a taste.

 

SANDOR:

_(demolishes one in a single go, and speaks with his mouth full)_

It’s good.

 

ANTONI:

_(exquisitely amused)_

It would be even better if you actually tasted it instead of swallowing it whole, but that’s OK, we can work on some manners next. _(pats him on the back)_

 

** EXT. BRIXTON HIGH STREET, DAY: **

_KARAMO and TAN are walking down the bustling Brixton high street with SANDOR. KARAMO is wearing a shimmering turquoise bomber jacket and TAN is wearing expertly-tailored jeans and a silver blazer. They both look astonishingly good._

KARAMO:

I am loving being in this town. There’s so much to see.

 

TAN:

Brixton’s so fun. It’s edgy, full of colour, life, it’s great for music, fashion, food.

 

KARAMO:

_(to SANDOR)_

_But_ what you probably wouldn’t expect is where we’re taking you. Can you guess?

 

SANDOR:

Haven’t a f***ing clue.

 

TAN:

_(with tranquil amusement)_

Has anyone told you that you swear a lot, Sandor?

 

SANDOR:

It’s been mentioned.

 

_They turn a corner and go to a door under a railway arch that says ‘EBONY HORSE CLUB’._

** EXT. EBONY HORSE CLUB STABLES - DAY: **

_KARAMO and SANDOR are standing by a very, very large black horse, whose reins are being held by a female trainer. TAN is standing behind a wall, looking terrified._

KARAMO:

So, Sandor, I wanted you to meet this guy.

 

SANDOR:

He’s a big fucker.

_(looks at the trainer)_

Excuse me.

 

KARAMO:

So, Margie, tell us about this horse. He’s so handsome! I’m feeling jealous here!

 

MARGIE:

_(beaming)_

Well, the horse club is here largely for disadvantaged young people in our community who would benefit from working with our animals. We call it equine therapy. They learn to groom them, ride them and generally look after them. This is our largest horse and we use him for our toughest customers.

KARAMO:

_(To TAN)_

What are you doing over there?

 

TAN:  
I’m terrified of horses.

 

KARAMO:

I thought it was dogs.

 

TAN:

And horses. Basically all animals.

 

KARAMO:

_(to Margie)_

So how do these guys react when they’re working with this horse?

 

MARGIE:

Well, the interesting thing about him is that he’s big and he can be intimidating, but he’s a vulnerable character, too. I think when our club members see that, it helps them understand how their own aggression sometimes masks vulnerability.

 

KARAMO:

_(to SANDOR)_

Wanna touch him?

 

SANDOR:

_(swallows)_

OK.

 

 _MARGIE passes over some carrots, and SANDOR holds his palm out for the horse to gobble them up. SANDOR carefully puts his hand on the horse’s nose and the horse tosses his head before letting him place it there again._

MARGIE:

_(delighted)_

Oh, he likes you.

 

SANDOR:

Does he?

 

MARGIE:

He certainly does.

 

_SANDOR touches the horse’s nose again and the horse leans down so SANDOR can scratch behind his ears._

TAN:

_(from behind the wall)_

OK, that is adorable.

 

MARGIE:

Want to ride him?

** EXT. STABLE YARD – DAY: **

_SANDOR is riding the massive horse in a small circle. KARAMO is putting a rider’s hat on TAN. TAN is lightly whipping KARAMO with a riding crop._

 

** EXT. BRIXTON HIGH STREET – DAY: **

_KARAMO, TAN and SANDOR are walking back to the tube._

KARAMO:

So, what did you think of that place?

 

SANDOR:

Aye, it was unexpected. Good place for gang kids and that. Had no idea it was even there.

 

KARAMO:

Yeah, I know it’s not for adults, we got a special pass today. But I had a word with beautiful Margie back there – what do you think about volunteering? She says you’ve got potential and I can really see you working with some of these tough street kids.

 

SANDOR:

_(surprised)_

Yeah?

 

KARAMO:

_(wide, genuine)_

Totally, man! 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_CLOSE-UP on KARAMO._

KARAMO:

_(intimately, leaning towards the camera)_

And a little equine therapy on the side won’t hurt one bit.

_(mimes riding and makes a clip-clop noise with his tongue)_

** EXT. VINEYARD, SURREY: **

_BOBBY and JONATHAN are meeting SANDOR and his friend BRONN at a vineyard. BOBBY and JONATHAN are hugging SANDOR, who allows them to a little less reluctantly than the first time. BRONN is perfectly happy to have sizeable hugs (JONATHAN’s is quite sizeable). BOBBY is wearing a cap-sleeved black shirt and JONATHAN is wearing a long cardigan with his jeans and has his hair swept up in a scarf. They both look divine._

 

BOBBY:

Because you told me you liked wine, and had dreamed about maybe starting something yourself, I thought we’d come visit a vineyard so you begin to could envisage it for yourself. The best way to start something new is by doing your research and not being afraid to ask experts for guidance.

 

_Small montage of the vineyard owner showing the group round the vineyard and wine centre, SANDOR looking warily at the grapes, all of them tasting some wines._

 

** INT. WINE TASTING ROOM – DAY: **

_The group are standing with glasses of crisp ros_ _é._  

BOBBY:

So good.

 

JONATHAN:

I’m getting notes of melon, citrus, mojo, pizzazz and Rihanna. 

_BRONN chuckles. JONATHAN winks at him._

BOBBY:

So Sandor, having seen this winery’s set-up, what does it make you think in terms of your own plans?

 

SANDOR:

I don’t know. It’s a big place.

 

BOBBY:

Yeah, this is just to show you the end of the scale. Everyone starts small.

 

JONATHAN:

I know that when I started working for myself, I had a lot of self-doubt. Could I do it, would people take me seriously, could I manage my accounts, would I be able to keep up the level of hair care required to keep me looking fabulous, et cetera, et cetera.

 

BOBBY:

Bronn, what is it that you do?

 

BRONN:

_(easily)_

I’m in construction. Got my own firm.

 

JONATHAN:

I’ll construct _you_ , you disarmingly charming man.

 

BRONN:

_(good-naturedly)_

I don’t really know what that means, but go on, then.

 

JONATHAN:

_(happily scandalised)_

You are a naughty boy!

_(high-fives him)_

 

BOBBY:

_(to Bronn)_

And do you think Sandor has got what it takes to start something new, follow his dreams?

 

BRONN:

Damn straight. I’ve been telling the f***er for years to leave that bloody job he hates.

 

BOBBY:

Everyone agrees, Sandor, you’ve got to leave your job.

 

SANDOR:

_(shrugging)_

Yeah, OK, maybe.

 

BOBBY:

And Bronn, one more question for you: do you know any other friends of Sandor’s who might also like to try this wine?

 

BRONN:

Aye, I can think of one.

_(SANDOR looks at him with a questioning frown)_

For Christ’s sake, man. Are you blind, deaf and dumb?

 

SANDOR:

About what?

 

BRONN:

_(resigned shake of the head)_

I’ll tell you in the car.

 

JONATHAN:

Not now, my pretties _. (walks behind SANDOR and places both hands on his shoulders)_ It’s time for our date, Daddy Bear.

 

BRONN:

_(to SANDOR, grinning)_

See you on the other side, mate.

 

SANDOR:

_(to the grapes)_

Jesus Christ.

 

** INT. HAIR SALON – DAY: **

_SANDOR is seated in a black leather chair and JONATHAN is standing behind him with his hands on SANDOR’s shoulders._

JONATHAN:

Now I know you haven’t set those big feet of yours in even a barber’s for a very long time, so I thought I would treat you to a proper salon.

_(with knowing sweetness)_

Yaaay.

 

SANDOR:

_(heavily)_

Aye. OK. I’m in your hands.

 

JONATHAN:

Yes, you _are,_ dadd-i-o, and they’re the safest, cross my heart and hope to die in your arms.

_(becoming more serious, sweet, confiding as he puts his hands on SANDOR’s hair and scrunches it around)_

OK, so I know that before we were talking about taking off just _some_ of this angry lion’s mane, but I’ve been thinking about it and, you know, I would just love to be bold with this. Take it short.

 

SANDOR:

Short?

 

JONATHAN:

Short, baby.

 

SANDOR:

How short?

 

JONATHAN:

Shortie short.

 

SANDOR:

I don’t know what that means.

 

JONATHAN:

Short round. Short stack. Short circuit.

 

SANDOR:

_(looking darkly worried)_

I don’t know.

 

JONATHAN:

Mommy knows best.

 

SANDOR:

_(stares self-hatingly at the mirror for some time, before rubbing a hand over his face)_

F*** it. Do it.

 

JONATHAN:

That’s my brave little baby.

 

_Several shots of JONATHAN cutting SANDOR’s hair (SANDOR is turned away from the mirror) – first snipping off a substantial ponytail, then trimming amounts between his fingers, and lovingly attending to the sides. He has his serious, caring hairdresser’s concentration-face on._

JONATHAN:

OK, now we’re not going to take this whole beard off, because I know it’s important to you, but we’re just going to tidy it up a bit.

 

_JONATHAN lovingly clips SANDOR’s beard, especially under his chin. SANDOR mostly looks at the ceiling._

 

JONATHAN:

OK, are we ready for the final result?

 

SANDOR:

Not really.

_(big breath)_

Yes.

_JONATHAN turns SANDOR around to face the mirror. SANDOR now has short hair and a trim beard. He looks surprisingly gorgeous. SANDOR gazes at himself for some time._

JONATHAN:

You’re making Mommy nervous.

 

SANDOR:

_(slowly nods at the mirror)_

It’s – it’s. Aye. It’s nice.

 

JONATHAN:

You like?

 

SANDOR:

_(the edge rubbed off his wariness)_

Aye.

 

JONATHAN:

_(professional voice, scrunching the top of his hair)_

So I’ve kept a bit of length on top, so you can play with this a bit, and I’ll show you what products to use to give it some shape.

 

SANDOR:

You can see a lot more of my face.

 

JONATHAN:

This is a good thing. Look at you! You are straight-up, straight-down, straight-not-straight _gorgeous_ right now. I’m getting all smooshy and shivery.

_(gives over-the-top shiver)_

_SANDOR turns his face to the side, and is clearly looking at his now more visible scarring._

JONATHAN:

Yes, honey, I know what you are thinking, but I’ve got something else for you here.

_(brings over a small metal pot)_

Not only girls get to wear make-up.

_(sweet, serious, dedicated voice)_

This is a really great, matte foundation with a green tone, and you’re just going to dab the tiniest, teeniest bit on just to calm down the redness of the skin. There’s no point in pretending your scars aren’t there, because they are, but I say be proud of them and just dress them up a little.

 _(dabs at SANDOR’s cheek_ ).

 

_SANDOR gazes into the mirror for some time. JONATHAN watches him with his hands on his own cheeks._

 

SANDOR:

_(rather sweetly, seriously)_

Thank you.

 

JONATHAN:

I am not lying when I tell you that it is my absolute pleasure. I am here to serve, and all you needed was a little light brought onto your beautiful big face. People deserve to see this face. You weren’t fooling me with those sulky scowls!

_(puts his hands on Sandor’s cheeks and pushes them together a bit)_

 

SANDOR:

_(attempting to speak)_

Aye, that’s bit much now.

 

JONATHAN:

_(breezily)_

My bad!

_(puts his hands on his shoulders and affects a terrible Mockney accent)_

Now, cor blimey guv, let’s go show London Town your spanking new look! 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO: **

_JONATHAN speaks to camera._

 JONATHAN:

So. Much. Hair. So. Much. Baggage. He had such a huge hang-up about his scarring and he turned himself into this big angry Cousin Itt, but I swear I saw a little happiness in his eyes when he saw his new look.

_(sings, in knowingly frail, girlish voice)_

Because he’s happyyyy  
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

 _(claps along)_  
Because he’s happyyyy  
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you  
Because I'm happyyy  
Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

_(points at camera and winks)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB I totally nicked the equine therapy from a BBC Radio 4 programme I heard this week. Big up the [Ebony Horse Club!](https://www.ebonyhorseclub.org.uk/)


	5. Day Four

** EXT. SANDOR’s APARTMENT– DAY: **

_JONATHAN and SANDOR get out of the car. SANDOR is sporting his new haircut and beard-trim. JONATHAN is wearing a kimono over tight trousers and looks sensational. The remaining Fab 5 are at SANDOR’s door, waiting for them. KARAMO opens the door._

 

KARAMO:

_(unutterably delighted as SANDOR walks up)_

Oh my _God!_ Look at you, man!

 

_The four guys surround SANDOR with hugs and compliments._

ANTONI:

_(amiably)_

Wow. It’s a total transformation.

 

BOBBY:

_(parentally pleased)_

You look amazing.

 

SANDOR:

_(giving the faintest blush)_

Cheers.

 

TAN:

Seriously, I cannot wait to get you into some of your new clothes to match that haircut.

 

BOBBY:

_(putting his hand on SANDOR’s back)_

Come inside and have a look at your apartment first.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S MAIN ROOM –DAY: **

SANDOR:

F***ing hell.

 

_SANDOR’s main room has been transformed from a dingy hovel into a light, simple space with much more storage. BOBBY talks him through what he’s done._

BOBBY:

So we painted the walls this beautiful light grey, which is so much brighter than it was, but still feels quite mellow. There’s lots of storage so you can put your stuff away –

 

ANTONI:

That’s a hint, Sandor.

 

SANDOR:

Yeah, yeah, OK.

 

BOBBY:

I’ve got you one big L-shaped couch for slouching your big frame on.

 

JONATHAN:

I wanna see you lounge!

_(throws himself onto the sofa)_

Lounge with me, honey.

 

 _SANDOR makes a small grumbling noise._  

 

JONATHAN:

_(patting the sofa next to him)_

Come to Jonathan. She feels lonely.

 

SANDOR:

_(sitting on the sofa fairly reluctantly)_

Aye, it’s nice.

 

JONATHAN:

_(snuggling up to SANDOR, who does his best to resist)_

I can so see you here with your corn chips and your guacamole and your pretty lady watching Four Weddings and a Funeral together…

 

_SANDOR gives a faint, baffled blush._

 

KARAMO:

Oh, I can so see that.

 

BOBBY:

And you know how much dog hair you had around?

 

SANDOR:

Aye, the boy’s a moulter.

 

BOBBY:

Well, check out this little gadget.

 

_Presents a nifty little spinning carpet cleaner which runs automatically. The Fab 5 applaud._

** EXT. SANDOR’S YARD – DAY: **

_The Fab 5 are standing outside in Sandor’s newly-transformed yard. There is lots of decking, new plants, a seating area and a barbecue._

SANDOR:

F***ing hell.

 

BOBBY:

So this is now a functional space, not just a place to let your dog out into.

 

SANDOR:

Aye, it’s grand.

 

BOBBY:

Lots of space for sitting, reading the paper, having a beer, having some friends round.

 

KARAMO:

Friends, workmates . . .

 

TAN:

Beautiful workmates . . .

 

SANDOR:

_(oblivious)_

It’s really nice. Thanks, mate. I don’t know what to say.

 

BOBBY:

_(giving a chuffed grin)_

My pleasure, man. You deserve it. Come on, let’s see the rest.

 

_They go back inside._

_ CUT TO: _

_SANDOR being shown his much nicer bedroom, clean and tastefully decorated. There is a big photograph of a French vineyard on one wall._

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BATHROOM – DAY: **

_JONATHAN is showing SANDOR his new cabinet. The bathroom itself has been sparklingly redone._

JONATHAN:

OK, honeybear, so I’m going to give you a five-minute grooming routine. Nothing fancy, but a bit of time to spend on yourself.

 

SANDOR:

_(a little heavily)_

OK.

 

JONATHAN:

So, here’s a real gentle face wash that’s going to be good for your combination skin. None of that sh**ty soap you had before, this has avocado and coconut oils which will be really softening. Then rinse that off, a gentle pat, clip that gorgeous beard if you need to, keep it nice and neat under the chin. Here’s the foundation we tried, and remember, just the ittiest, bittiest dab. And here’s a hair clay to give some texture to the top.

_(unselfconsciously reaches up to SANDOR’s hair)_

Got it?

 

SANDOR:

You’re the boss.

 

JONATHAN:

I’m your beautiful fairy godmother. Say it.

 

SANDOR:

No, thanks.

 

JONATHAN:

_(smooshes SANDOR’s cheeks and does a bad Scottish accent)_

You’rrre my beautiful fairrry godmotherrr.

 

_SANDOR folds his arms._

 

JONATHAN:

_(lets SANDOR's cheeks go)_

Are you ready to go see your new wardrobe with Tanny?

 

SANDOR:

Not really.

 

JONATHAN:

_(swats at him playfully)_

Oh hush, you. You were _born_ ready.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BEDROOM – DAY: **

_TAN is standing with SANDOR in his bedroom in front of a new wardrobe._

TAN:

So, here’s a nice organised closet for you. We’ve got your work suits at the end, although I’ve added in a couple of really nice fitted shirts for you there. But what I want to show you is your wardrobe for outside work.

 

_TAN shows SANDOR a row of coloured shirts with gentle prints and T-shirts._

TAN:

_(fingering a T-shirt)_

There are a few different colours to play with, but I’d love to see you in this grey first. And let’s try these trousers.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – DAY: **

_KARAMO, ANTONI, BOBBY AND JONATHAN are in a big reclining pile on SANDOR’s sofa taking selfies. TAN sticks his head round the door._

TAN:  
Are you ready to see Sandor’s first look?

_The Fab 4 consent enthusiastically. SANDOR comes into the lounge wearing a mottled mid-grey, smart-casual polo-shirt and some cool grey-blue trousers. He really looks very good, even if he is standing a little awkwardly._

 

KARAMO:

Oh my good Lord. _Yes._

JONATHAN:

You look. Amazing. Like, here is my jaw, and I am scraping it off the floor, and trying to fix it back, and it’s just coming straight off again.

 

BOBBY:

I cannot look at anything except your arms right now.

 

ANTONI:

Word. Those biceps are making me feel indecent.

 

_SANDOR is blushing. He really does look dreadfully good._

 

TAN:

I know, right? This shirt is just the fit to show off Sandor’s body, slimming him around the waist but showing off those shoulders. And these trousers are pretty smart, but they can work for a casual occasion, too.

 

ANTONI:

Oh, totally. You could wear them to a bar, definitely. I _love_ those trousers.

 

KARAMO:

Give us a spin around.

 

SANDOR:

Do I have to?

 

THE FAB 5:

Yes!!

_SANDOR gives a reluctant turn, his hands in his pockets._

 

TAN:  
Do you want to see him in something else?

 

JONATHAN:

Yes, queen! Although I’m not sure my delicate heart can take it. _(fans self)_ I can’t even.

 

CUT TO:

_TAN is opening the door for SANDOR again. He is now wearing a dark blue linen suit and a royal blue T-shirt, and looks to die for._

BOBBY:

Wow. You are so handsome right now.

 

TAN:

So we had this suit tailored for Sandor, so again it really works with his shape. Check out the gold lining.

_(he holds open SANDOR’s jacket)_

 

ANTONI:

_(solidly, emphatically)_

Oh, that is classy.

 

KARAMO:

_(regally enthusiastic)_

Man, I cannot get over how different you look. I love the colour of that T-shirt on you.

 

TAN:

Right? It really brings out his eyes.

 

 _The others assent and sigh._  

JONATHAN:

_(to Sandor, sincerely and yet theatrically)_

I want you to know that I am feeling things that I haven’t felt for a long time in lots of different parts of my anatomy right now, and I have no idea what to do with it.

 

 _SANDOR shakes his head and looks at the ceiling, but is still blushing._  

 

KARAMO:

How do you feel right now? Tell me you feel good, right?

 

SANDOR:

_(a small, conflicted sigh-grumble)_

Aye, I mean – aye, I know I look better. It’s taking a bit of getting used to.

 

BOBBY:

I could definitely get used to you looking like this.

 

TAN:  
No more gym-wear outside the gym!

 

SANDOR:

Alright, then. I’ll do as I’m told.

 

CUT TO:

_SANDOR is sitting in the middle of the Fab 5 on the sofa. He has taken his jacket off. JONATHAN is stroking his upper arm._

KARAMO:

_(seriously, confidingly)_

So tell us, Sandor, how has this week been for you? I know we were a bit of a shock for you at the beginning of the week.

 

SANDOR:

Aye, you were a bit. Yeah, it’s _– (nods)_ it’s been an eye-opener. I mean, I know I was in a bit of a rut, but I’m not sure I realised how much, or if I cared, really.

 

_The Fab 5 nod sympathetically._

SANDOR:

I think you guys have made me see that I need to sort myself out a bit. I feel like I’m already starting to.

 

BOBBY:

That’s great to hear.

 

SANDOR:

I know I’ve been pretty shite to some people, when _(sighs)_ I could have been letting my anger out elsewhere.

 

KARAMO:

Like a punchbag.

 

SANDOR:

Yeah. _(small pause)_ And it’s been hard, with my face and everything –

_(he stops, shakes his head, pauses, almost choked)_

_The Fab 5 exchange small glances, and ANTONI wipes away a tear._

 

SANDOR:

_(swallows, sighs, looks straight ahead)_

I’ve let it bother me for far too long. I mean, it’s not going away.

I’ve just got to get on with it.

_(dares to glance at the Fab 5)_

 

TAN:

_(lightly, and yet profoundly)_

Everyone has physical hang-ups, and I know yours might seem like a really big deal to you sometimes, but to us, it’s really not.

 

 _The others assent emphatically._  

TAN:

_(beatifically)_

As long as you’re happy with yourself _inside_ , then you can be happy on the outside. It’s something we’ve all had to work on too, in our own ways.

 

 _The others murmur 'yes's. SANDOR nods, looking at his knees. BOBBY quietly wipes away his own tear._  

 

SANDOR:

I’m going to jack in that f***ing job.

 

KARAMO:

_(holding his hand up for a high-five)_

F*** the king!

 

SANDOR  
_(gently high-fiving back)_

Aye, all that. So, you know, I just want to say thank you. Sorry I’m not very good at being all open and that, but – I do appreciate what you’ve done for me.

_(rubs the back of his head)_

 

JONATHAN:

We love you and all your big grumbly-ass ways because we always knew there was a beautiful softie deep down inside there waiting to bust out.

 

 _They all stand and hug SANDOR in turn, and he lets them._  

 

ANTONI:

And so we’re going to be leaving you, but you know we’re expecting you to follow up on some of the things we’ve taught you.

 

 _SANDOR nods._  

KARAMO:

We asked you to have some friends over tomorrow night, so you can show them your new look, and your new apartment, and cook for them.

 

SANDOR:

Yup. That’s fine. I can do that.

 

JONATHAN:

So _assertive._

_(strokes SANDOR’s arm again)_

SANDOR:

_(to JONATHAN)_

Do you have to do that?

 

JONATHAN:

 _(flouncily, fabulously)_ _  
_ You just try and _stop_ me, daddybear.

 

KARAMO:

And we want to make sure you invite the right people.

 

SANDOR:

OK.

 

KARAMO:

So here is the list of people you are inviting over tomorrow.

_(he hands SANDOR a piece of paper)_

It’s actually quite a select list.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_KARAMO speaks to camera._

KARAMO:

_(heart-stopping Cheshire cat smile as he holds up one finger)_

Of one.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – DAY: **

SANDOR:

_(gazes at the piece of paper, a small touch of colour rising on his cheek._

_Small pause as he looks at them all)_

OK.

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_KARAMO speaks to camera._

KARAMO:

Oh, it’s on. Listen to the expert, y’all. It’s _on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	6. Day Five

**_ CAPTION: _ **

**_YOU ARE THE SANSAN OF MY LIFE_ **

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

**_(NB The Fab 5 scenes have been filmed at a later date to Day Five; Day Five is Sandor’s date night)_ **

 

_ANTONI is putting the finishing touches to some Bulldog Juleps in the kitchen. The other four are milling around, beginning to take their glasses. ANTONI is wearing a silver jumper saying ‘PARIS’ on it. BOBBY is wearing a distressed white T-shirt and a black velvet jacket. TAN is wearing a leopard-print shirt, chinos and loafers with no socks. KARAMO is wearing a black sequined dinner jacket. JONATHAN is wearing a hot pink cashmere jumper that says ‘KWEEN’ on it. All five of them look phenomenal._

ANTONI:

OK, so I’m going for a cocktail with a London twist today. Earl Grey tea, London gin, muddled with roasted pistachio and mint.

 

BOBBY:

_(a hand on ANTONI's shoulder)_

You are spoiling us.

 

ANTONI:

I really am.

 

_They take their cocktails to the sofa and settle down in front of the large plasma screen._

TAN:

I am so excited for this.

 

KARAMO:

Oh my God, same.

_(claps once, decisively)_

Come on, Sandor, you got this!

 

JONATHAN:

_(in a sing-song voice)_

Oh look, there is my beautiful Papa Bear. Hey, baby.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S KITCHEN – DAY: **

_SANDOR is preparing some of his main meal, chopping some herbs. He is in very casual clothes at the moment._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

 

ANTONI:

OK, so he didn’t make the pasta from scratch, but it looks like good stuff. That’s fine, it’s realistic.

 

KARAMO:

That haircut, though. I still cannot get over it.

 

BOBBY:

He looks _so_ much better.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S KITCHEN – DAY: **

_SANDOR is preparing the small lemon tarts._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

ANTONI:

_(sits forward, speaking dramatically)_

Oh, he is making the little tarts. That’s great. That’s really great.

 

JONATHAN:

_(in dodgy Mockney accent)_

I’ll give _you_ a little tart.

 

ANTONI:

So he’s adding a little pinch of cinnamon into the pastry base. And a pinch of salt. Good, Sandor.

 

TAN:

It is so sweet to see this big guy working on something with so much care. It’s adorable.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S KITCHEN – DAY: **

_SANDOR’s pastry is all lumpy._

SANDOR:

F***. For f***’s sake.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_BOBBY, KARAMO, TAN and JONATHAN all give a sympathetic ‘awww.’_

 

ANTONI:

_(speaking to the plasma screen)_

There’s no need to panic. Just roll it out and do it again.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S KITCHEN – DAY: **

SANDOR:

F***’s sake.

 

_SANDOR stands and looks at it for a while longer, before getting the rolling pin and bashing at it._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

 

KARAMO:

That’s it man, you work out that frustration on your pastry!

 

** INT. SANDOR’S KITCHEN – DAY: **

_SANDOR takes a big, deep breath and starts rolling out the pastry again._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

 

ANTONI:

_(dramatically relieved)_

And we’re back on. It’s all good.

_(breathes a sigh of relief)_

I am so tense right now.

 

JONATHAN:

_(massaging ANTONI’s shoulders over-heavily)_

Let's work out those kinks.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BEDROOM – DAY: **

_SANDOR is standing in front of his open wardrobe, staring at his clothes._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

TAN:

OK, so what is he going to go for here?

 

KARAMO:

I loved the suit, but that would be too formal.

 

TAN:

Yeah, he’s not going to go for the suit.

 

JONATHAN:

You put a harness in there, right? A harness and swim shorts?

 

TAN:

I did not.

 

JONATHAN:

Spoilsport.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BEDROOM – DAY: **

_SANDOR is pulling on the light blue trousers and standing bare-chested, staring at T-shirts._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

KARAMO:

I am down with this look right here. _(more emphatically)_ This look right here! Wow.

 

BOBBY:

Yeah, just answer the door like that, Sandor, your work will be done.

 

TAN:

Come on Sandor, choose a damned shirt. Put me out of my misery! Oh, he’s going for the blue.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BEDROOM – DAY: **

_SANDOR is pulling on the royal blue T-shirt and looking at himself in the wardrobe mirror._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

ANTONI:

_(sincerely)_

I love this colour on him.

 

TAN:

It’s such a good colour. It works with his skin tone, and really brings out those grey eyes. It’s a good choice! I’m satisfied.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BATHROOM – DAY: **

_SANDOR is standing in front of his bathroom mirror, staring at himself again._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

KARAMO:

He’s gonna do the Taxi Driver speech.

 

JONATHAN:

Don't be so mean to my baby! He is just working himself up to it. Come on, my big beautiful Sandybear, you’re tough, you’re tortured, you’re freaking out, but you’re so handsome right now it’s illegal. Come on honey, you can do it.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BATHROOM – DAY: **

_SANDOR is dabbing foundation on the scarred side of his face. He uses too much and it gets on his beard._

SANDOR:

F***.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

TAN:

_(serenely, delightedly aghast)_

Oh my god, Sandor swears _so_ much.

 

ANTONI:

Yeah, Karamo, couldn’t you have taken him to some sort of workshop on that?

 

KARAMO:

Hey, I took him to boxing and horse therapy, give me a break. It’ll come. Give him time.

 

JONATHAN:

_(speaking to the plasma screen)_

Just wipe it off, daddybear, just get a cotton ball – or some tissue, yes that’s fine, and just dab at that little explosion there.

_(becomes quite earnest and full of feeling)_

I know he’s been bit heavy-handed but I’m still so super-proud of him because two days ago he would totally have not put any single thing on his face, just pulled all that long hair down, and now he’s acknowledging it so much more and I am so not going to ugly-cry right now.

_(fans self with both hands)_

_BOBBY puts a comforting arm around JONATHAN._

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BATHROOM – DAY: **

_SANDOR has sorted the foundation and is scrunching a bit of hair clay into the top of his hair._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

KARAMO:

We’re OK, he’s good to go.

 

JONATHAN:

Yes. Queen. _(punches air)_   _Yes._

ANTONI:

Work it, Sandor!

 

** EXT. SANDOR’S APARTMENT – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANSA is walking up to SANDOR’s door. She is wearing a gorgeous green skirt and a cute white T-shirt._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

 

ANTONI:

Wait, is that Sansa?

 

KARAMO:

Yes, girl, it is.

 

BOBBY:

Wow, she is stunning.

 

JONATHAN:

That girl has _got_ it.

_(clicks his fingers and does a shimmy-shake)_

KARAMO:

_(shaking his head with a broad grin)_

You lucky dog, Sandor.

 

TAN:

_(professionally)_

I am loving that outfit. The skirt really brings out the colour of her hair.

 

ANTONI:

_(so sincerely it hurts)_

Beautiful.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S KITCHEN – EARLY EVENING: **

_The doorbell rings. SANDOR looks up, and takes a deep breath, and walks to the door. Takes another deep breath._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

BOBBY:

Oh my God, he is so nervous. Look at him.

 

KARAMO:

Come on, man!

 

** INT. SANDOR’S HALLWAY – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANDOR opens the door to SANSA._

SANDOR:

Hi.

 

_SANSA is gazing up at SANDOR with a look of wide-eyed shock._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

JONATHAN:

Look at her face!

 

** INT. SANDOR’S HALLWAY – EARLY EVENING: **

****

SANSA:

Hi. You look – wow. You look so different.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

KARAMO:  
'Amazing', Sansa. You’re supposed to say 'amazing'.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S HALLWAY – EARLY EVENING: **

 

SANDOR:

_(coughs)_

Aye, they did me up a bit.

 

_SANSA is still staring wide-eyed at him._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

JONATHAN:

_(with a swirly forefinger)_

That look says ‘I am so ready to bang you right now’. That is what that look says. Trust me.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S HALLWAY – EARLY EVENING: **

 

SANSA:

_(to SANDOR)_

You look amazing.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

KARAMO:

_(sitting back, relieved)_

_There_ we go.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S HALLWAY – EARLY EVENING: **

 

SANDOR:

Thanks. _(coughs)_ You look – really nice. Do you want to come in?

 

_SANSA follows him inside._

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

KARAMO:

_(sitting back, relieved)_

_There_ we go.

 

ANTONI:

She’s never been in his apartment, right?

 

KARAMO:

Not that I know of.

 

BOBBY:

_(mock-sarcastically)_

Great, so she’ll think it looked like that anyway.

 

TAN:

 _We_ know all the hard work you did, Bobby!

 

BOBBY:

_(broadly smiling)_

No, it’s fine. I’m like a little elf. No one has to know I was there.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANDOR is showing SANSA round his place. SANSA keeps sneaking looks at him._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

TAN:

_(delighted)_

Do you see those looks she keeps giving him?

 

JONATHAN:

Oh, I see them honey.

 

ANTONI:

She can _not_ stop staring at him.

 

KARAMO:

Who can blame her? He’s a total fox.

 

JONATHAN:

She doesn’t give a good goddamn about those scars of his because all she can see are biceps and triceps and shoulders and ass.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S KITCHEN – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANDOR has poured SANSA a glass of wine and is telling her about it._

SANDOR:

So it’s from the place the guys took me to.

 

SANSA:

I’ve never had English wine. I didn’t know you could really get English wine.

 

SANDOR:

Aye, you can. They still mostly specialise in whites but more are doing reds now, too. They tend to be quite light.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

****

ANTONI:

Killing it with the wine talk!

_(high-fives BOBBY)_

BOBBY:

He was really taken with that place. He bought enough wine to fill up the whole back of the car.

 

KARAMO:

I gotta say, I am down with his body language right now. He’s not using his big-ass frame to intimidate, look at how he’s leaning down to her.

 

JONATHAN:

_(fans self)_

I seriously cannot even.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S YARD– EARLY EVENING: **

_SANDOR and SANSA are sitting outside on the decking. There’s a table all laid out. SANSA is currently hugging the huge black dog._

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

TAN:

Ahh, she likes the dog!

 

JONATHAN:

She is channelling all her intentions through the dog right now. What she really wants to be doing is hugging Big Doggy Sandor round his scrunchy, yummy neck.

 

ANTONI:

I am shipping these two so hard.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S YARD– EARLY EVENING: **

_SANDOR is serving up the first course of the salad that ANTONI coached him through._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

ANTONI:

_(highly invested)_

Oh, it’s looking good.

 

KARAMO:

She definitely likes it. She’s wolfing it down.

 

BOBBY:

Did you see him actually smile just then? That was a proper smile. I don’t think I saw one of those all week.

 

TAN:

He looks even more handsome when he smiles.

 

ANTONI:

_(with extreme conviction)_

Totally.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S YARD – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANDOR is serving up the fresh pasta with rocket, fresh basil, goat’s cheese and pine nuts._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

ANTONI:

Wait, where did those toasted pine nuts come from?

 

KARAMO:

Oh, he’s gone renegade.

 

BOBBY:

He’s improvising! _(to ANTONI)_ You gave him the confidence to try out new things.

 

TAN:

Check it out, he’s got a different wine to go with it. I am loving this. So sophisticated!

 

** INT. SANDOR’S YARD – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANSA and SANDOR have finished eating their pasta._

SANSA:

I really like your hair.

 

SANDOR:

_(chewing on his last mouthful with a faint blush)_

Thank you.

 

SANSA:

It really suits you.

 

SANDOR:

_(looking at the table)_

Thanks.

 

SANSA:

You look really hot.

_(grins at table and glances up at him)_

 

SANDOR:

_(glances up at her and grins at the table)_

Thanks.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

KARAMO:

And if he had any doubts, Sansa has just blown them out of the water.

 

BOBBY:

Hell. Yes. It is so on.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S YARD – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANDOR is bringing out the little lemon tarts. SANSA looks at them, amazed, and up at him._

 

SANSA:

How did you know?

 

SANDOR:

How did I know what?

 

SANSA:

That they’re my favourite?

 

SANDOR:

_(looks a bit bemused and tries to cover it)_

Lucky guess.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

ANTONI:

Teamwork!

_(high-fives KARAMO)_

We are so good at this.

 

KARAMO:

Yes, we _are_.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S YARD – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANSA and SANDOR are chatting while eating their tarts. SANSA is giving SANDOR little flirty looks._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

JONATHAN:

_(clicks his fingers)_

Yes, honey, you eat that tart like it’s going out of fashion.

_(clicks)_

Yes, you lick that spoon like you mean it.

_(clicks)_

Yes, you give him your big sexy blue eyes.

 

BOBBY:

I am starting to feel like we shouldn’t be watching this.

 

TAN:

Oh, I’m not going anywhere.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANSA and SANDOR are sitting on the sofa. There are coffees on the table and the dog is by their feet. SANSA is sitting forward a little bit and SANDOR has his arm on the back of the sofa._

SANDOR:

So I wanted to say thank you for nominating me. You know if it had been anyone else I would have probably killed them.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_The FAB 5 laugh._

KARAMO:

I do not doubt that for a second.

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING: **

 

SANDOR:

And it was a bit crazy, the last few days, but  _(pauses, nods to himself)_ it was good, too.

 

SANSA:

I’m really glad.

 

SANDOR:

Um, so.

_(sits up a bit more)_

Karamo made me realise what a horrible fucking shite I’ve been to people. To you especially.

 

SANSA:

_(looking down)_

It’s not been that bad.

 

SANDOR:

It wasn’t good. Not good enough. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for not being as nice to you as I should have been. It’s my own problem. It’s nothing to do with you. I’m sorry.

 

SANSA:

_(shaking her head)_

It’s OK.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_The Fab 5 are looking very emotionally involved._

KARAMO:

This is such a big step for him, being so open with her.

 

TAN:

With _anyone_.

 

_ANTONI nods earnestly, his eyes fixed on the plasma screen._

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING: **

 

SANDOR:

I’m going to resign from my job.

 

SANSA:

Are you?

 

SANDOR:

Aye. I’ve been there too long. I’m going to get something similar I guess, for now, but I’m going to look into starting my own business.

 

SANSA:

That’s great.

_(looks a bit sad)_

So I guess I won’t see you so much any more.

 

SANDOR:

You won’t see me so much at work.

_(swallows)_

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_The Fab 5 are on the edge on the sofa with their hands near their mouths._

 

KARAMO:

Come on man, you can do this.

 

ANTONI:

In for the kill, Sandor!

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING: **

 

SANDOR:

But _(scratches his beard)_ I hope I might be able to see you anyway. Quite a lot.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_The Fab 5 collectively ‘aww’ and sigh._

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANSA gives a slow, sweet smile and puts her hand on his thigh._

SANSA:

I hope so too.

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

 

ANTONI:

Kiss her. _(more emphatically)_ _Kiss_ her!

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANDOR gives SANSA a slow, very cute and very careful smile._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

JONATHAN:

_(cheerleader-style)_

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

 

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANSA and SANDOR shift a little closer. SANSA puts her hand on his scarred cheek and just looks at him. There is a moment of extreme tenderness._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

_The Fab 5 hush._

KARAMO:

Oh, that is too beautiful.

 

_BOBBY is wiping away a tear._

TAN:

That really is the most meaningful thing she could do. That’s so lovely.

 

_ANTONI is wiping away a tear._

JONATHAN:

My babies.

_(wipes away a tear)_

** INT. SANDOR’S LOUNGE – EARLY EVENING: **

_SANSA and SANDOR lean forward and kiss, in a very cute, careful way. SANDOR pulls back._

SANDOR:

_(quite sweetly)_

I really wish there weren’t f***ing cameras here.

 

_SANSA giggles._

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

 

ANTONI:

_(smiling widely)_

Aaand that’s our cue to leave.

 

JONATHAN:

_(mock-tantrum)_

No! I wanna see everything! I wanna see shirts being ripped off!

 

** CUT TO: **

**SCREEN CAPTION:**

 

**** A MESSAGE FOR THE FAB 5 ****

 

 

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

BOBBY:

Wait - what is this?

 

_The Fab 5 sit forward and watch the plasma screen._

 

** INT. SANDOR’S BEDROOM – INDETERMINATE TIME: **

_SANDOR and SANSA are lying in a crumpled bed. They are filming a message on his phone that he is holding up for them to both look at. SANDOR has his arm round SANSA, whose head is resting on his chest. The curtains are shut. They look pleasantly knackered._

SANDOR:

Hey, guys. So it’s two weeks since I saw you, and I just wanted to say –

 

SANSA:

 _We_ wanted to say –

 

SANDOR:

Thanks again for everything. It turned out quite well, I think.

_(looks down at SANSA very sweetly)_

 

SANSA:

It definitely did.

 

_SANSA moves her head up to SANDOR’s and they kiss._

** INT. FAB 5 STUDIO – DAY: **

ANTONI:

_(frankly)_

I’m done. I’m in pieces.

 

BOBBY:

That is how to do it, Sandor!

_(high-fives TAN)_

 

KARAMO:

Sandor got laid and then some. Damn!

 

TAN:

What a legend. It’s the perfect happy ending.

 

KARAMO:

I am _so_ proud of him.

 

BOBBY:

_(amused)_

I feel our work here is done.

 

JONATHAN:

_(mock-dramatically)_

If they don’t ask us to be bridesmaids at their wedding, I am going to throw some serious shade. They are going to get married and have beautiful big babies and we are going to be the Fairy Fab 5 godfathers to every one of them. We love you, Sandybear!

_(blows kisses at the plasma screen)_

_The Fab 5 hug._

** END CREDITS **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
>  
> 
> This was such fun! Thanks for all the comments, guys, they made me zoom through this. 
> 
> I invite you to suggest who else the Queer Eye boys should sort out! Not because I'm writing any more, but because I so enjoyed FriskyPony's suggestion of what would happen with Ned Stark in the last chapter's comments. Tell me who they'd descend on and what they'd do!
> 
> PS I think a Hodor episode would be incredible.
> 
> LATERS.
> 
>  
> 
> **PSSST by the way, if anyone is on Twitter and fancies tweeting this to Jonathan Van Ness (who used to run a Gay of Thrones podcast, ie is a big fan), I would love it. I would do it myself except that I lurk under the cover on anonymity (just about) on here, hahahah.**


End file.
